Sunday, December 06, 2009

Dirty laundry

I read a lot of blogs. Some of the ones I like best are the ones that are brutally honest about their lives. The crappy moments aren't sugar-coated. They're unapologetically exposed for the world to read. These bloggers write as a form of therapy, a way to release the negativity they feel. I've debated for two months now, on whether or not I would share on this blog how shitty I've been feeling, and the reason behind it. It's scary for me to see myself changing from someone who used to laugh at everything to someone who is always on the verge of crying. I don't like the new me. I don't want to be the sad/mad/bitter person I see myself becoming. It scares me. It makes me worry that Hudson feels it. It makes me worry that the baby inside me feels it. It's scary being 7 months pregnant and not knowing if, and when, and where I'll be settled in the next two months. I am tired of feeling like life is always a "struggle" for me and my family. When is it my turn to "coast" through life instead of struggling? I feel robbed of a good future, and instead given a bleak one. Without going into detail, we are not moving to BC like I've written about in the past, because that career has ended before it even began. I don't want to sound cryptic, but it's not really my story to tell.

Do I need a kick in the pants???

I know I should be setting my priorities straight. I have a beautiful, healthy child. I have another one on the way. I have a husband who loves me. I have a family who would do anything for me. I have friends who let me cry/vent to them as often as necessary.

So why can't I let this go?

6 comments:

Audrey said...

Oh sister. I think about you all the time and I know that things will be better for you and your family in the new year. I can hear the strain in your voice when I talk to you. You have to just start looking forward instead of being bitter about what happened in the past. Remember, Hudson told you tonight that you are his favorite person. When a boy as sweet and pure hearted as Hudson says that to you, you have to smile. No?

Kaili said...

*hug*
I know this is awful to say, but things can ONLY get better, right?
You have been in my thoughts for a while. I am sending you ALL good vibes for something to really work out wonderfully!!
One day you will look back on this time and know how strong you were to make it through. This too shall pass. God, I HATE when people say that to me when I feel like shit! But it IS true!
You need to think positive for that babe in your belly little mama! That baby NEEDS a positive place to grow!! Kids pick up everything and they are also SO amazing in rough times! Don't you think it would be WAY worse if you were going through this without Hudson? He will keep you strong!
You can vent all you want!! Go for it Mama!

Chantal said...

Joyce, I'm so out of the loop I don't know what to say but I feel your pain and frustration. I went thru bad time last year with new job that I seriously honestly hate with a capital H. It's really affecting me and, like you wrote, affected my personality at home. It scared Keira quite a bit. Me too. Still hate the job (lol!) but I realized it's only a job. My kid and family is more important to me than anything and I KNOW that it's the same for you.
Whatever you're going through, just realize that it makes you a stronger more loving person! There's always a positive to a negative and that I truly believe in.
Every day is a new page, with nothing bad written on it. One day at a time Joyce.. and as for letting go.. let it wash over you and feel every damn feeling you have! Cry, get angry, get it out. Then, you can let it go...

Shannon said...

Sorry Joyce that things aren't working out for you. Obviously something is up and it's big and troublesome. Frankly, I find you in particular have had some happy moments that always seem to come with strings attached. It's never easy for you, and you've had to struggle. And while it may seem to you like noone notices, people in fact marvel at your strength to let things slide.

From someone who has been to the bottom of the barrel with nothing, I know how you feel. I know how lonely and frustrated and mad you are. I know you want to cry all the time. Things WILL get better for you. I promise. The key to getting through this is time. Time to allow yourself to be pissed off. Time to get your mind back into the present to focus on what you want and need out of life. Time for you to remember what makes you smile.

I know you've heard it all before and it may sound mundane, but I truly mean it when I say I think you are an exceptional Mama who has raised an exceptional little boy, and I think you are so blessed and lucky to be having another son to love and raise. I only wish that this disappointment you are experiencing would end so you can look forward to making Hudson a big brother and cuddling your new bundle of joy. I know I am very excited and happy for you to become a Mama again and I personally can't wait to see pictures of your adorable baby boy. I guess just focus on that right now Joyce. It's an exciting event that should be front and centre for you and you deserve that.

Sonia said...

I'm right there with you..but a different situation then yours.

Life will get better. You have your lovely family and another sweet son on the way. Focus on the positives and stay strong.

((Joyce))

Anonymous said...

change new picture.
I want to see hudson.
I know he miss me a lot.

halabogi